I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
whose parrot is this?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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