The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
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