We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
