over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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