every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
