did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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