she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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