I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
