my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
