The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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