I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
