new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
