the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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