I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
