girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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