Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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