are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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