I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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