when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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