i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
