watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
