I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
