Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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