dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
