im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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