Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
