This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
