I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
