Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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