im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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