i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
