Who did Billy Mays play for?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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