i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
