i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
