My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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