I just cut my nipple shaving
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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