im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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