I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
