She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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