You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Will exercising make me less horny?
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