i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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