the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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