ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize