Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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