I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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