I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
