the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
