false alarm. still invincible.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
