I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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