My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Randomize
