Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
