shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She needs sedatives and a leash
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
