Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
