I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
