I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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