i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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