my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
