Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
