Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
